Oh Man,

Not smoking today is going to be difficult.

Picking It Up

If I were as high profile as Britney Spears, I’m sure that Perez and all of those other gossip hubs would be eating my story up for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Good thing I’m just an average college girl on a campus of 25,000 students where dumb mistakes like this become completely inconsequential.

It’s times like this, though, the test my true commitment to quitting. I did have one cigarette this afternoon..but can you blame me? Try having all of this happen to you the week of examinations, ugh.

I know that smoking a cigarette won’t make the situation any better. In fact, it’s more likely to perpetuate negative feelings and thoughts. Even if the great relationship I was developing fell to shambles this weekend atleast I’ll know I was able to quit smoking and I’m really proud of myself for that.

Final Stretch

There’s about a couple weeks untill I head home. If something terrible doesn’t happen between now and then, I may be able to say mission accomplished.

Fail Take Two

Although not as consequential of a fail as:

I’m a bit dissapointed in myself. I just smoked a cigarette on the way to Econ. First cigarette I’ve smoked in a while, ugh. It was NOT worth it. I just threw out my pack outside Lorch Hall.

Moment of Truth

And if you believed the world had no more ridiculous shows to come up with, YOU’RE WRONG. This is the tv show that, hands down, ruins lives. Review and clip:

I mean, seriously, one has got to hate himself in order to appear on this thing.

I know this isn’t directly related to my smoking…but I was feeling an overwhemingly powerful craving half an hour ago and the only thing I could do to stop myself from running outside for a cigarette was google: “moment of truth.” Thank goodness for the abundance of dumb but entertaining outlets provided by the world wide web, I spent the last twenty minutes waching this clip thankful that I am not the blonde chick sitting in the chair shredding her life to bits.

Judgement

It feels as though years have passed since I smoked cigarettes in between every class and on every walk from somewhere to anywhere on campus….

In actuality, it has been about three weeks. But I still remember very clearly the judgemental looks I received from people. Everytime I saw someone’s glance roll down to the cigarette in my hand I wondered: what must he/she be thinking about me right now?

Brief anecdote: this summer I was taking a calculus course at Boston University. I remember smoking outside the building when my teacher approached me asking for a lighter. I was taken aback by his request and even more shocked when he proceeded to chit chat about last weeks exam while taking drags of his parliament light. I must say, the experience made me think of him as much less of an authority than before.

a more general question: does seeing someone smoke change your perception of them?

Imagine, for example, you found out your teacher or new friend smoked…would you think differently of them?

My Dad On Smoking

Let me introduce you to my dad.

He’s a professor of labor economics at MIT, loves outdoor sports and sayings things that aren’t pc or appropriate just to shock people. I won’t get into examples because that would be embarassing. For me, not him. I’m pretty sure his brain has been wired conveniently numbing him to the feelings of embarassment. If only we all were so lucky.

My dad also has a lot of pet peeves including loud gum chewers. So I am sitting in my brothers room while him and my dad discuss something about courses for next semester. My brother is chewing gum quite loudly. The conversation goes:

Noam (my brother): So do you think I should take Econ or Cognitive Science ((while chewing like a cow))
Dad: loose the gum.
Noam: I forgot that you hate gum.
Dad: I’d rather you go smoke a cigarette.

hm…my mom would’ve had a heart attack had she heard this.

Moreover, this reminds me that when my parents found out about my smoking my mom flipped shits while my dad rationalized my behavior as a social phase. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure my dad loves me and my brother and would certainly not want us to die from lung cancer but sometimes his parenting skills confuse me.

Back To Square (Fill In the Blank)

Do you know that feeling when you type a really long, heartfelt blog post or e-mail and accidentally hit “delete?” Yes, nothing could suck more. Or when you’ve edited a paper and accidentally e-mailed yourself the wrong version to print for class? Yep, that stinks too. Well, I wouldn’t say that I’m back to square one but I’ve certainly backtracked more than I would have liked. After a week and a half of no (sober) smoking, i’ve started up again. I had a couple cigarettes yesterday and two this morning. Oh ****. I plan to watch the hypnosis video again and see if this helps.

Substitutes for Cigarettes Part 2

In the previous post, my ‘boy problem cigarette’ would have masked the real problem. Because, god knows, after the cigarette’s out, the problem still exists. I guess the trick is eliminating cigarettes as a diversion and stress subsiding tool. Some cigarettes, though, like the ‘types’ I smoke in between classes are habitual. Lately, I’ve found two useful alternatives.

substitutes for inter-class cigarette:

water. Something about holding a water replaces the need to hold a cigarette. Taking sips of the water replaces cigarette drags. I’ve found this to be a surprisingly beneficial substitute. It’s healthy and FREE, wahoo.

and gum. This one’s a classic.

Substitutes for Cigarettes Part 1 – I’m Not Talking Nicotine Patches.

This article from mayoclinic.com is brilliant and describes EXACTLY how I feel about cigarettes.

The article compels smokers to examine the role each cigarette plays in their lives and ask the question “in this situation, what does the cigarette do for me?” I’ve been thinking about this question lately. I compiled a list of the ‘kinds’ of cigarettes I smoke and the functions they serve in the moment.

1. morning pre-coffee cigarette – habit/alleviate boredom
2. morning coffee cigarette – habit/alleviate boredom
3. post-class cigarette – bored/alleviate stress
4. post-exam cigarette – bored/alleviate stress
5. mid-study-session cigarette – relaxation
6. pre-dance rehearsal cigarette – habit
7. general anxiety relief cigarette – relaxation
8. hunger cigarette – alleviate hunger (horrible, I know!)
9. boy problem cigarette – alleviate stress/escape problem
10. school induced anxiety cigarette – alleviate stress/escape problem
11. boredom cigarette – this deserves a cigarette category of its own!
12. drunken cigarette ( this seems to be the most socially acceptable type…)

…I’m sure there’s more, but that’s the short of it. Clearly, I haven’t found a substitue for all of these (i’m sure a deeper investigation would reveal more profound and emotional ‘reasons’ for my smoking). I will walk you through a scenario where I long for cigarette type number nine but forgo the temptation and opt for the more effective substitute. On that note, I’ve learned that substitutes need not come in the form of nictoine patches and gum. Sometimes the cigarettes takes the place as an easier alternative to its’ substitute which requires an action I’d rather avoid. For example:

This morning, during pre-game, I had one of those classic jelous, pseudo-girlfriend freakouts over the guy I’ve been seeing talking to an ex-hookup. This is where the ‘boy problem cigarette” comes into play. He stopped seeing this other girl when he met me but for some reason wants to be “on good terms with her.” Thus, everytime she comes around he talks to her profusely. Today, I didn’t take it so well. My brain churning, being the negative nancy that I felt that morning, I couldn’t resist the thought that he had started liking her again. Ofcourse, a rational girl would see the absurdity in this kind of thinking. But we girls are not rational creatures when it comes to boys, oh well.